Thoughtful Thursday–Return the cart

Okay. This is a major pet peeve of mine.

Shopping carts left either hitched up on a curb, or simply out in the parking lot. I have MAYBE hitched a cart up at Costco WELL out of the way of a cart “stall” as well as any car MAYBE 3 times in my life. Other than that, I always bring it back. Raining, 2 whiny children, whatever.

This isn’t a rant blog post, allow me to explain.

I’ve heard the excuses. They have someone who specifically works at the store, that is paid to go around and collect the carts (this excuse certainly was not uttered by my husband, no!!). I’m sorry, have you ever heard of common courtesy? That’s why they HAVE the cart stall! For you to return it, so your cart doesn’t unexpectedly try to escape and ding up a fellow shopper’s car.

All this to say…other than returning my cart out of respect for the store’s employees, I have discovered yet another reason which is even more special! Read and listen closely…

LITTLES ARE WATCHING!! AND THEY WILL COPY!

I want my kiddos to display that common courtesy. And we all know that being selfless simply does NOT come naturally. So any and every opportunity I have to display that for them, I’m going to do!

One of my absolute favorite “common courtesy” things my son has picked up on is wiping down the sink in public bathrooms, and picking up any paper towels that miss the trash (WITH another paper towel mind you, thank GOODNESS he learned that from me, too, otherwise, EWW!). It WITHOUT FAIL, makes me smile each and every time I see him do it. It’s a baby step mind you, but it’s a step. It’s a glimmer of hope that he has it in him! =)

So, will you think twice before leaving the cart? What other ways do you model to your kids other common courtesies?

Trick of the Trade - How to Apologize

I don’t know how apologies run in your household, but in mine, it frequently involves a mean-spirited “Forry” (that’s right, they can’t even take the proper time to enunciate the word sorry) blurted in the siblings face and then they proceed to run away in the opposite direction.

No seriousness, no actual meaning behind it. I generally work to get some sort of authenticity behind said apology, often times with a hug instead of words. But there are many times when it simply does not seem worth the battle.

Quite frankly, because the child simply is not sorry. *sigh*

About a month ago I came across this article on Cuppacocoa.

I’ll let you read it over there, PLEASE do, it’s amazing and has great examples of how to teach your children how to properly apologize. But in a nutshell, it has the following guidelines for how to properly apologize:

I created this to put on our refrigerator, as well as one upstairs in the hallway. We just used it and went through why for the first time after my daughter hit my son, for…no apparent reason.

Here’s how it went down:

I’m sorry for hitting.

This is wrong because it hurts people.

I can make it right by kissing brother’s ouchie.

In the future, I will keep my hands to myself.

Brover, (again with the pronunciation, although I am kind of in love with this mispronunciation!) will you forgive me?

That simple! I might even have to use it for myself when I find myself in a place where I owe them an apology. Anywho, I know I’ve been absent from the blog for quite awhile, but I just had to share this and need to remind myself that my blog doesn’t have to be about perfection, simply sharing things that help me as a wife and mom. So, I hope this helps the pitiful apologies in your household turn into something a bit more…sincere. =)

What I Wore–9/11/01

I don’t usually remember what I wore 12 years ago, let alone one week ago.

But I do remember what I was wearing 12 years ago today.

I had the amazing opportunity to do part of my student teaching overseas in Papua New Guinea. I worked at an international school and stayed at a base camp with the organization Wycliffe Bible Translators. Hence my more conservative attire.

Most Americans old enough to remember can easily recall what they were doing and where they were the day of September 11th, 2001. My circumstances were that much more unique in the sense that I was out of the country. But let me tell you, it made that day somehow even more memorable.

Similar to many, my roommate and I awoke to a phone call, her dad, calling to tell us of a major catastrophe in the states. He couldn’t talk long. Each phone call cost a fortune! And unfortunately, we did not have access to any form of media. That little TV pictured above was for VHS videos only.

But, when we arrived at our school that day, the principal had hooked up cable and nearly every teacher, certainly every American teacher, was huddled around a tiny TV watching the horror that was 9/11 play out in front of us.

The love and respect non-Americans around us poured upon us was unreal!! They all noted their condolences as every one of us walked around with heavy hearts. It was odd trying to process the events while so far away from home, and yet, so bizarrely encouraging to see people of so many different places and culture come together in sorrow.

Altogether I was out of the country for over 3 months total.

Our flight out of Sydney, Australia on September 21st was the FIRST international flight from Sydney to the states after the attack. Man was I thankful to be home. Many people question me about how terrified I must’ve been to fly. I honestly had no hesitation whatsoever. Really, it was probably one of the safest days to fly…ever, when you think about it. Talk about heightened alert!

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Below was my journal entry from that day….

9-12-01

(remember, we were half way around the world)

“We were awoken early this morning by a phone call from Jen’s dad informing us that 2 planes were hi-jacked by terrorists and flown into the world trade center twin towers within an hour of each other. There were also 2 other planes – 1 crashing into the pentagon and the other landing in a field in Pennsylvania.

As we arrived to school, more and more people began sharing what they’d heard and all of a sudden, a spontaneous chapel was called. Dave Pederson shared, reminding us that our God is not a God of chaos – that He will prevail. Sort of in the dark to all that had happened, I finished teaching that morning and retreated to the AV room to watch an Australian channel covering the numerous plane crashes.

My jaw dropped at the images of the planes crashing into the twin towers, the heat from the explosions weakening its structure, causing the upper floors to collapse, the weight of these floors bringing down the remainder of the building. People jumping out of the windows, falling to their death, chaos as people scattered throughout the streets, escaping the crashing rubble. Then – bringing my amazement to a heightened degree, scenes of people celebrating in Afghanistan filled the screen. HOW – was all I could think as the news calculated the possible death toll to be near 50,000, mostly consisting of innocent bystanders!

The mood was somber for the rest of the day – I felt pretty detached from home.”

So…yes, I WILL NEVER FORGET.

10 Things I’ve Learned in 10 Years of Marriage–#4. Study Your Husband

Photo Link

My husband and I dated for 2 years before getting married, but one of those two years we spent halfway across the country from one another. So not much “studying of my husband” (well, boyfriend at the time) was going on (other than how hot he was – and seeing as it was long distance, not even a whole lot of that was going on). And let’s face it, when you’re newly married, you can’t help but get caught up in the excitement and fun of it all! While you’re head over heels in love with your husband, realistically, you’re not really, truly studying him for those first few years, unless you choose to be intentional about it.

Things I’ve learned about my husband by studying him…

1. To unwind, he plays video games.

2. He is a homebody. Socializing does not energize him.

3. He eats a light breakfast and lunch, and is famished when he gets home!

4. Simple ways are best when it comes to expressing that I love him.

5. He’s FOCUSED! And by that, I mean, he could literally go a month without realizing I swapped out pictures in our house. This doesn’t imply he’s not aware, he just tends to have a narrow focus on the task at hand.

Those just scratch the surface, but are helpful for knowing things like…

1. When (and when NOT) to have important conversations with him (for example – do NOT bring up anything important while he’s playing video games or right before bed)

2. How often (or infrequently as the case may be) I can book a “social agenda” for us as a couple

3. He’s SOOO interested in what we’re having for dinner (see #3 above)

4. Giving him a night to play games, or simply telling him how thankful I am that he works so I can stay at home with the kids are better ways to show him I love him than concocting some elaborate scavenger hunt date night. While he would gather that I loved him by doing so, it would not be necessary, so why I ask you, why?

5. I should not be offended when he fails to notice that I cleaned the kitchen, or added a new piece of décor. It’s not that he didn’t appreciate it, it’s simply not on his manly radar.

By studying your husband, you can learn to love him in a way that HE feels truly loved. So, for example, while I would totally melt if my husband were to randomly surprise me and take me out swing dancing (HINT HINT), he would be kinda irritated (social activity, not in the house).

So, to help maintain a strong marriage, study your husband and love him the way HE wants to be loved (not the way you think he should be loved, ‘cuz chances are, that ain’t it).

10 Things I’ve Learned in 10 Years of Marriage–#5. Maintain Your Girlfriends

I clearly alluded to this same tip in my last marriage post, here, but indulge me in allowing me to provide further explanation as to how beneficial your girlfriends can be!

#1. You need a shopping buddy, and your husband is probably not the right person.  

#2. Chick flicks! I don’t see them often, but every once in awhile, I get sucked in. The last one I saw was “Safe Haven”. I’m confident my husband would rather poke his eye out with a spork than to have seen this movie. Or worse yet (for him anyway) listen to 2 hours of country music.

#3.  Girl’s nights. There’s just something about kicking back with a group of your closest friends, laughing, sharing kid stories, etc. that simply makes the heart happy.

#4. She’ll tell you the truth. Not that your husband won’t, but if you ask him if you look fat in your new dress, and he were to actually tell you that yes you do indeed, look fat in the dress, you might punch him in the face (or worse, withhold sex! DON’T do this ladies, seriously…while you think you might be gaining an upper hand, you’re just leaving the door open for him to find that fulfillment elsewhere). Your girlfriends have that way of being honest, without damaging your ego too badly.

#5. You need a sounding board. Not if, but when you get frustrated with your husband, it’ll be helpful to have a girlfriend to process with, and gauge whether your emotions are legit, or totally out of whack. Word of caution, however, just as women run on love, men run on respect. So don’t go around bad-mouthing your man or saying such awful things your friend will never be able to respect him. Try to share your frustrations in a logical fashion. In other words, try to present the scenario in a way that is unbiased. She’ll also be able to provide better feedback/advice that way, too.

#6. It’ll make you a better person. It’s unrealistic to expect that your husband will provide you with everything you need. You need support from other people and not become completely codependent on your husband. That won’t be healthy for either of you. We should always go to God first, with everything, but God also intended for us to have support from others. And ladies, we need support from our fellow ladies!

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One more thing to note on this topic…

Notice the depth of the friendship described here, and the word “maintain” in the tip. In order to maintain girlfriends, you have to make an effort. You need to call them, email, text, plan play dates, plan girl’s nights, etc. Friendships don’t just magically happen (or rarely do). You have to show the person you care.

This is something that I’m working on, and need to. I’m blessed with some amazing girlfriends, that apparently love me faults and all, because I often get caught up in my own, silly, busy world, and forget to say “Hey, we need to hang, and talk meaningfully, instead of in between yelling at my kid and changing a diaper.”

So to my girlfriends…you know who you are…bear with me as I learn. And point it out when I’m failing, please, I’m giving you permission. I love you deeply and am thankful to YOU for helping me to be a better person.

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P.S. – Take pictures with your girlfriends! I went to find some with mine, and seriously? I have like 10,000 of my kids, and like 3 with girlfriends…maybe. So watch out friends, I may start making you take selfies with me! hehe

Okay, I’ll at least leave you with this gem I found of one of my longest girlfriend relationships from waaay back in jr. high. Love you Kel!

Oh my word! I just laughed out loud, with tears, for maybe like 5 minutes after giving this a good look over. My husband asked why I do this to myself and I said, “’Cuz sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself!”

10 Things I’ve Learned in 10 Years of Marriage–#6. Ladies, pipe down about “the nail”!

If you have yet to watch this video, or simply need a good laugh, please go watch it before reading the remainder of this post.

Man do I wish I had learned this one earlier on in our marriage! Not only would it have saved both my husband and I a LOT of frustration, but many of my problems would’ve been solved waaay sooner than they were!

Let me start with an example of something from real life…

I asked my husband to help me come up with an example, and surprisingly…we had to go a ways back to come up with one, but, here goes!

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Pre-kid days, I was a teacher and had an unfortunate situation in which the principal was not above moral reproach. The students, myself, his staff and many others paid a high price.

I would frequently come home complaining and needing to talk out some anger about the situation. Sweet hubby kept pointing out what steps I should take to fix the situation. “No, you’re not listening!” Sound familiar?

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So, let’s be real here. We’re women. We talk. A lot. Probably a lot more than we need to. And that’s partially just how we run! So I’m not telling you to never hash out your struggles and problems with anyone, I’m just telling you to not hash them out with your husband, if you can avoid it. He honestly DOES NOT GET THE NEED FOR PROCESSING and simply wants to FIX IT! I had an aha moment that finally helped me understand how LITTLE he comprehends your need to talk things through. I equated him listening to my long drawn out stories about my frustrations, to him excitedly telling me about his most recent battle against the troll and how he leveled up and received a new pet in doing so (sorry hun, I’m working really hard to care!!). “What does that even mean” you ask yourself? EXACTLY! They don’t get it, and don’t wanna hear your half hour long rendition of why you’re torn up (maybe if you could sum it up in 2 minutes?).

So when you feel the need to talk about “your nail”…

#1.

Talk to God first.

Often times, that’s all you end up needing! I mean, He did create the world, I’m certain He can handle helping you through your problems, right? But, God also understands our need for human interaction.

#2.

Find a girlfriend.

 A girlfriend ladies. Not a slew of them so you end up sharing your stories over and over again, reliving them exhausting your mental capacities simply for the sake of talking it out. Seek out ONE trusted girlfriend who understands your need to talk something through and share your feelings with them.

And on those very rare occasions when a girlfriend is not available, or simply nobody else will do other than your husband, begin your “storytelling” with the following words…

“HONEY, WOULD YOU JUST LISTEN?”

And proceed, knowing that if he answers yes, he loves you a gosh darn awful lot! Because he is solely listening for that reason alone – he loves you. Absolutely no other reason.

#3.

Consider taking action about your “nail situation”. =) In other words, fix it!

Once you get in the habit of sharing with your girlfriends instead of your husband, you might actually find yourself coming to your husband for…*gasp* actual advice and an answer! Yes, you might actually come to him in hopes that he will fix it. You’ll learn that it’s far less emotionally exhausting to just let him provide you with the answer, versus spewing all your emotional garbage before hearing said answer. And let me tell you how much more at peace and productive you will be in life! I’m still learning, I still hash things out, even with my patient sweet hubby. But I’m making progress, and that’s why my marriage is still flourishing, I’m WORKING AT IT! =)

So, in closing…

#6. pipe down about “the nail” and consider fixing it

10 Things I’ve Learned in 10 Years of Marriage–#7. Manage Your Mayonnaise Jar Wisely

Again, I like to share, so this post will be broken up into 3 parts.

1. Setting the stage for the tip (the mayonnaise jar story)

2. Further explanation of how the mayonnaise jar story pertains to marriage

3. Personal application

Most of you have probably heard the following story, but even if you have, read it again. We can NEVER have too many reminders.

The mayonnaise jar

A professor stood before his philosophy class, with some unusual items in front of him on the desk. When the class began, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly and the pebbles rolled into the small gaps between the golf balls. He asked the students again if the jar was full, and they agreed that it was.

Now the professor picked up a small box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up all the remaining gaps between the golf balls and the pebbles. Once again he asked the students if the jar was full, and the response was a unanimous ‘yes.’

Now the professor produced a cup of coffee from under the table and poured its contents into the jar, filling the remaining air pockets in the sand.

The students laughed.

When the laughter subsided, the professor said:

‘Now imagine that this jar represents your life:

• The golf balls are the important things – God, family, children, friends, favorite passions and your health. These are the things that, if everything else were lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
• The pebbles are the other things that matter like, your job, house, and car.
• The sand is everything else — ‘the small stuff.’

The professor continued: 'The moral of my story is this: it’s important to get these things in your life in the right order. Here’s why:

If you put the sand into the jar first, there won’t be any room left for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you’ll never have room for the things that are important to you.

So take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. The rest is just sand.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness:

• Play with your children
• Take your lover out to dinner
• Talk to your friends.

There will always be time to clean the house, do the dishes and fix the garage door.

One of the students raised her hand and asked what the cup of coffee represented.

The professor smiled and said, ‘I’m glad you asked: The coffee just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room to share a cup or two with a friend.’

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Worth the read, right?

Make room for the golf balls FIRST!

This includes your husband, ladies, and men…your wife.

Upon entering marriage, every couple endures some adjustments in that first year. Up until this point, you’ve pretty much only had to worry about you, and you alone. And while your significant other was definitely a significant “golf ball” prior to marriage, NOW….NOW he or she represents a golf ball you have get to keep for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! Can you imagine keeping track of one golf ball for the remainder of your life? Not losing it? I don’t know about you and your chaotic life, but in my household? Keeping track of one golf ball would be incredibly difficult.

Think of the things you’ve lost over the years, that were crucially important and yet somehow, they just got lost…

Keys, wallets….children! *gasp*

Adding a “golf ball” to that list doesn’t seem completely out of the realm of normal. So now, you see, how fragile this thing called marriage can be. And how as a newlywed, adjusting to keeping your sights set on this brand new, incredibly important, sometimes hard to find golf ball, can represent a challenge.

In other words, after marriage, it takes some adjusting to realize your spouse needs to be at the top of your “golf ball list”. So, while we might THINK we’ve got our spouse at the top, let’s address what sand represents…

Man, sand can REALLY get in the way, and can be SUPER tricky to get rid of.

I absolutely adore this picture of my daughter from only a year ago! See all that sand stuck in every nook and cranny of her adorable, michelin-man, chubby little legs?

While sand (i.e. hobbies such as running, surfing, scrapbooking, decorating, fishing, video games, etc.) can be relaxing and enhance our lives…

…it can also really become bothersome and interfere with all the fun being had.

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The hubs and I had some struggles figuring out how to give the “sand” less authority in our early stages of marriage.

Speaking more from my side of the story (there’s ALWAYS two sides to the story), one of the main issues for me was my husband’s love of video games. We knew it was going to be a struggle even before we ever got married. In college, he would have weekend long “gaming sessions” in which he and his friends would pretty much stop only to eat and use the bathroom (notice I didn’t mention sleep in there). Needless to say, he would play for hours (and hours) at night, completely losing track of time. I’d try and poke my head in and say, “Hey hun, how much longer do you think you’ll play?” But he was in “THE ZONE”. Any other girlfriends or wives out there that can relate with attempting to break your man out of “THE ZONE”? Pretty much, short of literally cutting the cord to the computer (or console), there’s no breaking them out of it.

Imagine how that left me feeling. He’d say, “Just tell me when I’ve played too much”. In girl world, “When I have to spend time with you, come tell me and I will”, like it’s an obligation. I know now that’s not what he meant, but it’s certainly how it left me feeling.

I’ll be honest, it probably took a good 6 years to break this cycle and find a balance. I had to learn that for my husband, video games is a type of stress relief, and it’s actually helpful for him to play. I also really did need to voice my opinion about how much was too much, and not let it hurt my ego feelings.

And my husband had to learn that video games was, in fact, in the “sand” category. Can I tell you how much that made me feel like a princess? That I am, indeed, more important than video games? Sounds silly, but it’s one of the many, many sacrifices he’s made for us in our marriage, and for that, I’m thankful.

So, what’s the “sand” that’s interfering in your marriage? Is it something you’re devoting too much time to? Is it something your spouse is, and you haven’t voiced your opinion yet? Whatever it is, put it aside and focus on the golf ball in front of you, cherish it.

10 Things I’ve Learned in 10 Years of Marriage–#8. Don’t Keep Score

Today’s marriage advice can work on two fronts.

The first one is…

#8. don’t keep score with your spouse

Come on! We ALL do it! Allow me to provide just a few examples to see if any hit home for you.

Example #1: It’s TOTALLY his turn to change the poopy diaper! I’ve changed the last 9 stink bombs!

And simply for your laughable entertainment while we’re on the topic…

Example #2: I’ve planned the last like 8 (insert your personal beef here…dates, anniversaries, Valentine’s Days, etc.), when are they gonna step it up and actually plan something?!

Example #3: He didn’t do anything for Mother’s Day, why do I feel obligated to do something for him for Father’s Day?

Example #4: I’ve been cooking and cleaning all day, can’t he at least do the dishes?

Example #5: She’s gotten her nails done, gone on a girl’s night, been to book club, and had coffee with a friend, shouldn’t I be able to go hunting or golfing?

NOW….do you admit to keeping score occasionally? Like I said, we’ve ALL done it! Heck, we even do it in friendships sometimes too. Well, let’s look at the reason why we shouldn’t keep score.

In a marriage, we vow to love and cherish ‘til death do us part, for better or worse. So while we might FEEL like that 10th diaper stink bomb is going to be the death of us, it’s really not. And while we might FEEL like it’s “for worse” if your spouse hasn’t planned anything special, chances are, it’s not as bad as it feels.

I don’t mean for you to be a doormat and let your spouse walk all over you (see marriage tip #9: speak your truth – there’s no reason you can’t talk to your spouse about planning something special, or doing the dishes, or getting a much needed night out), but essentially, let as many things go as possible. Sacrifice for your spouse as often as you can. Chances are, it will inspire them to follow suit. It will not happen overnight, but after awhile IF you keep it up, they will begin to soften and your marriage will mature. And even if it takes awhile, you’re not keeping score, so you won’t notice the imbalance as much in the meantime.

I obviously can’t speak to everybody’s marriage experience, every marriage is different and has its own struggles. That’s where perspective #2 comes into play.

#8a. don’t keep score with other marriages

Again, I think we’ve all been guilty of doing this.

Example #1: Man, they go on date nights like once a week! How come we can’t manage to do that?!

Example #2: He does all kinds of romantic things for her, brings home flowers, writes sweet letters, how come my hubby doesn’t do any of those things?

Example #3: They never seem to argue. How come it feels like we argue almost every day?!

Example #4: Her husband is so flexible! I feel like my man is so controlling.

Example #5: She keeps such a clean house, why can’t my wife follow suit?

Every person has their own background/upbringing/personality, etc. that defines them and their marriage. While admiring other people’s lives from afar might seem appealing, if you were to swap places, you might be totally miserable and discover all kinds of things you never would’ve guessed were involved in their relationship. And what works for others might not work for you in your own marriage. And that’s okay.

My husband isn’t terribly romantic (sorry hun, but we both know it’s true). But then again, I’m not one of those girly girls who desires to “be romanced”. I don’t want flowers, I’d just kill them. While written sentiments are sweet, it seems a bit too “schmoopy” for me. It’s not that I wouldn’t appreciate my husband’s efforts, but there are ways that I would rather see him express his affection for me. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t occasionally see another couple who is incredibly romantic and desire that for myself.

Per my husband…(I’ve been reading each one of these to him before posting, partially to make sure it doesn’t offend him, but also because he’s incredibly wise {in MOST instances} and I want to be sure I’m sharing wise, pertinent advice)…another area to avoid comparison is regarding past relationships. You may have dated a laundry list of people before finally getting married (or had a previous marriage). Don’t allow fond memories of those previous relationships to influence your current relationship and your perception of your spouse, because alas, you have chosen your current spouse for MARRIAGE (remember, ‘til death do us part?)! So stop comparing him/her to any old significant others!

So, if I just stay away from “keeping score” with other couples, I’ll be much more content within the boundaries of my own marriage. Instead, I’ll appreciate that…

• My husband works hard to provide for our family – and changes lives in doing so.
• My husband and I are equally content snuggling up together on the couch to watch a TV series as we would be going out on weekly date nights.
• Our sense of humor keeps us laughing daily, and we love one another’s company!

I could go on and on…but instead I’ll wrap it up.

You made the commitment to your marriage and you need to fight for your marriage. By sacrificing daily, even in the little things, you will give your marriage a fighting chance. So let things go, and stop keeping score!

And one last-ditch effort to help this tip stick in your head. Let’s take a look at that scoreboard again…

Not only does it have the score, but fouls, too. So before you get all high and mighty on your spouse for uneven scores, consider that you might have committed some fouls and may not be worthy to judge in the first place.

10 Things I’ve Learned in 10 Years of Marriage–#9. Speak Your Truth

If you’re a fan of “The Office”, you’ll catch my reference on this one. And while the silly counseling tip “Speak Your Truth” was conveyed as obnoxious and cheesy, there was definitely some truth lingering beneath the awkward delivery.

Let me explain how I learned to speak MY truth.

THANKFULLY Ryan and I took premarital counseling. If you’re not yet married, I HIGHLY recommend doing so. It gave us a great head start into an amazing marriage. And if you are married and never received premarital counseling, don’t shy away from counseling now! It can only ever help, so don’t think twice about it.

During our sessions, we discussed how we each tend to handle conflict. I discovered that I essentially played the silent game. And I actually tried to defend my position!! My excuse explanation was that I didn’t want to speak wrongly out of my immediate emotions, instead I needed to think it over before presenting my position.

Well…the advice provided by our counselor confused me at first. He explained, “You need to share what you’re feeling WHEN you’re feeling it, not after it’s had time to fester. If you speak wrongly or hurt Ryan’s feelings, he’ll get over it. He needs to understand it’s more important for you to share your feelings, than to wait for the right words. He’ll just have to learn to take it with a grain of salt.” Obviously not his exact words, but essentially this concept has made a tremendous impact!

I began sharing frustrations sooner rather than later. I would still think over my words, but would also start with something like, “I don’t want to be rude or blunt, but…” That way, he knew I was sharing in what I hoped to be a safe place, not wanting to offend, but merely wanting to correct misunderstandings or frustrations.

It definitely took a few years to correct my old behavior (and patience on Ryan’s part for listening…), but it changed the way we handled conflict. Instead of building up resentment and blowing up after holding in my emotions, we just discussed things a bit more often. To speak Pam’s truth (quoted from The Office)…

“I wish we’d started this exercise six months ago. My heart just feels so…blocked up.”

Thanks to our counselor, I didn’t have to let my heart “get blocked up”. It’s not always easy, but it’s definitely worth having a 5 minute petty argument rather than a 6 month long fight potentially scarring the marriage.

P.S. – RIGHT before bed when you’re both tired is probably not the best time to speak your truth.

So there you have it, officially on the countdown of 10 Things I’ve Learned in 10 Years of Marriage…

#9. speak your truth (asap-the longer you don’t, the worse things will get)

#10. my husband will always take second place

And just for fun, I leave you with one of our engagement pictures…the time frame of beginning the journey of speaking my truth. =)

10 Things I’ve Learned in 10 Years of Marriage– #10. Top Priority

Last week was my 10th wedding anniversary and BOY HOWDY have we come a long way! I am blessed beyond what I could’ve imagined, to be married to an amazing, Godly man.

I’ve had many close friends share their admiration for our marriage, and while it’s terribly humbling because we often feel we have just lucked out by finding our “soul mate”, I also look back over our 10 married years realizing how much work we’ve put INTO our marriage! AND THEN realize how much work we’ll continue to put into it! Alas…if you’ve ever worked hard at anything in your life, you know, it’s all worth it in the end!

There is absolutely no possible way I could share 10 things I’ve learned in 10 years of marriage in one, single blog post. Partially because it would be ridiculously long not unlike my previous post, but also because, well, let’s face it, I like to talk. So each of the 10 things will be given it’s own separate post.

#10. my husband will always take second place

Nope…you didn’t misread that.

I know, the most bizarre piece of marital advice you’ll ever hear, right? Allow me to explain myself…

My dating life prior to my husband was…well…lacking I suppose.

I dated one boy very seriously for about 2 years between the ages of 17-19. It was that typical young love, obsessed type of relationship that Keisha describes in her song “Your Love is My Drug”…we were COMPLETELY consumed with one another to a fault. Even if you’ve never heard the “song”, you can imagine what it’s about. It was unhealthy. But when you’re in a relationship like that, you don’t realize how or why it’s unhealthy.

Anyhow, following our break-up, I basically didn’t date seriously until my husband. I struggled with insecurity, feeling like no guys found me attractive, wondering whether I would meet the right guy, or if I would simply end up feeling alone. Can you relate? Seriously…doesn’t nearly every girl on the planet feel this way at some point?!

After lots of long talks with God, lots of journaling, and some overall assessment of my life, I discovered this…

** as long as God is my #1 priority, I will ** always be joyful and at peace

So simple, right?! Riiight! Ha!!! It took years (and years, and years)of prayer, 2 years of dating the WRONG guy, probably 20 “crushes”, and finally giving up control of my life after humbly realizing God will ALWAYS make the best decisions for me (duh, right?! How lame that it took me 21 years to realize the creator of the universe would be smarter than myself!).

Recently when reviewing my journal from college, I took a trip down memory lane and look what I found on 3 SEPARATE entries in my journal: April, May, AND August…

It was probably October of that same year that I had a conversation with God, a confession, really. I explained that my desire for a husband needed to take a backseat. I needed to realize and BELIEVE that if I never met the right guy, serving God would be enough, actually, would be more than enough, it would be amazing. I really became content that if it was just God and me, and my love of teaching, life could still be a dream. Just different than I’d planned or hoped.

Would you believe that my hubby-to-be got around to asking me out February of that following year? (Below was one of our first pictures taken together, about a month before he asked me out. Total hotties, right? Bwahaha!)

God knows the reason for his timing, and whether my conversation with Him had anything to do with it or not, I’m thankful that He helped me come to that realization first. Not that my priorities don’t get messed up occasionally, but I strive daily to make Christ my top priority, husband next, kids….you get the picture.

(And here was another picture, again, prior to dating. Apparently he really had to see me at my worst before he felt comfortable asking me out! haha That’s a whole other story!)

So there you have my first thing learned about marriage, even before I ever got married, or even began DATING my husband…

#10. my husband will always take second place…because god should take first.

My 10 Favorite Wedding Moments

Today, June 14th 2013, is my TEN year wedding anniversary!

I keep arguing with myself as to whether 10 years really is a long period of time. In one way, it feels as if it’s flown by! In other ways, WOW! A LOT has happened since that day.

I thought it would be fun to share my top 10 wedding moments with you.

I apologize in advance… (both for the LENGTH of this post, and the following)“back in the day”, digital photography was not a “thing”, so I had to scan in all my pictures for this post. The bonus? It was the swift kick in the butt I needed to encourage me to put my negatives on CD. I’ll be dropping them off at Costco tomorrow.

*Ahem*…allow us to proceed. I tried to “rank” my 10 favorite moments, but had a hard time committing (pun not intended), so they’re in roughly the right order, ending with my silly favorite moment. Most of them are not your typical “wedding day favorite moments”. Hope you enjoy!

#10: Dancing

I know, some of you are appalled that this was only #10, barely making the list. I enjoy dancing, but am in no way, shape, or form…GOOD! And my husband? Well, we joke because our “first dance” should’ve been referred to as the “last dance”, ‘cuz I’m not getting any more dancing outta him not that we’re hitched and he doesn’t have to “put on a show” anymore!

BUT…I did have a blast dancing with all my friends and family! My amazing friends humored me by dancing to all the typical, cliche wedding songs. Yup…the best of the best including Celebrate, Best of My Love, Respect, YMCA, Ice Ice Baby, C’Mon ‘N Ride it (The Train)….with a dance train all around the tables and EVERYTHING! And don’t forget…Shout! The rule was – everyone had to be lower than the bride.

#9: The Food

Here’s the first of many that don’t normally make the “top” list for weddings. =) Kudos to my parents for making this aspect memorable. It was certainly not cheap. ={ The buffet table is pictured above beside the pool.

Dinner was catered by Sun Dried Tomato in Laguna Beach. We had 210 people attend our reception, each of whom meant a great deal to me! I wanted to show them how important their presence in my life meant by providing them with a nice meal. And you know all the guests are hungry by the time they make it to the reception! Needless to say, Sun Dried Tomato came through! I’m hoping Ryan and I can make it out to Laguna to reminisce on an upcoming trip to LA. YUM! Notice below…hardly any food left on the table behind my gorgeous bridesmaids. It was cleared too quickly to make any of the photos. We downed our dinners! Hopefully the guests appreciated the extra effort.

#8: Grandma in Attendance

87 years young she is in this photo! My Grandma played a significant spiritual role in my life and prayed along with my parents and many others that I would meet a man of God.

She even tried to hook me up with a lifeguard she led to Christ! Oh Grandma!

She had to travel at least an hour in the car to make it to my wedding and no doubt paid for it with pain in her joints for a few days. But it meant the world to me. About a month ago, I attended her memorial service. I will forever cherish her presence at my wedding.

#7. Music Memories:

Smooth Operator, The Muppets Theme Song & Adam Sandler’s Grow Old With You

Music Memory #1: Smooth Operator

Music can make a lasting impression, can’t it? Ryan I joked that we didn’t have “a song” and had a difficult time choosing a song for our first dance. Well, music land was playing an evil trick on us the night of our wedding. As we climbed into the limo to head to the reception, our chauffeur decided that Smooth Operator should serenade us on our way. Seriously?! Does it get much cornier and obnoxious than that?

THEN…as we sat down to eat dinner at the reception, what song do we hear over the loud speaker? You guessed it – none other than Smooth Operator! (How did that get on our playlist?!) We considered firing our DJ on the spot, but instead had a small giggle at our now inside joke.

Oh yes ladies and gents…the joke continues. On our limo ride TO the hotel that night, our ears were cursed yet again with the tunes of Smooth Operator.

What fickle music gods cursed us on this day that upon arriving to the hotel lobby, we should be greeted by the subtle tones of Smooth Operator, the elevator music version. As if the limo driver getting lost on the way to the hotel didn’t kill the mood enough! Come on!!

I don’t think I’ve heard this song 4 times in my LIFE, let alone 4 times in one NIGHT! Every time we hear Smooth Operator now, a giggle is shared between the hubs and I.

Music Memory #2: The Muppets Theme Song

I enjoy hearing bride & groom’s music choices at weddings. I think it can be very telling. Our bridal party had the pleasure of entering the scene to The Muppets Theme song. I will never forget the excitement of being introduced as Mr. and Mrs. Ryan Nicholas. My husband held up my hand pointing to my wedding ring. His forever, and he couldn’t have been happier. What a precious moment. (I’m sure my inner chuckle at using this song for our entrance has nothing to do with Ryan’s similarity to Statler & Waldorf…don’t forget my sarcastic nature here folks!! AND…if you’re true Muppets fans, you’ll get this.)

Music Memory #3: Grow Old With You

As we began cutting into the wedding cake, Adam Sandler’s Grow Old With You began playing. A favorite actor and fitting movie for the occasion, again, Ryan and I shared a laugh at such a pertinent tune.

Okay…sorry I kinda cheated with that one and squeezed 3 moments into one, but I had a hard time narrowing it down people! Onto the next…

#6: My strap popped off!!

Humor ALWAYS alleviates potentially stressful situations. A genius dress design turned out to be the cause of many giggles and thankfully no major wardrobe malfunctions.

To allow the option of my dress to either be strapless or not, the straps on my dress were attached with snaps. I liked the look of the straps and chose to wear them…until they began popping off with every hug. And there are lots of hugs on your wedding day lemme tell ya! =)

The strap would pop, I’d laugh, snap it back on and continue on my merry little way. It got funnier and funnier as the night progressed UNTIL it popped off as I gave my dad a hug following his toast!! Still hilarious, and now hilarious for my entire guest list!

The photographer caught my reaction above.

#5: The Garter

Yet another inside joke (can you tell what our marriage is based on?).

This one requires a bit of backstory. My husband is lacking in fashion sense, he’s not ashamed to admit it. While we were dating, he’d wear this horrible, pitiful looking purple and white plaid flannel! I finally mustered up the courage to ask him where he got it and why he thinks it’s okay to wear it, to which he replied, “Someone left it on the floor of their dorm when they moved out, I inherited it.” Eww! Men!

Apparently he finally got the hint after me rolling my eyes upon first sight of seeing him wearing it each time and he devised a clever “good riddance” scheme. For Christmas, he wrapped up the flannel along with a lighter, giving me permission to burn that bad boy!

Unbeknownst to him, I cut off a strip of the wretched thing before burning it. I think it was nearly a year and a half before our wedding day (long before we were even engaged!). I kept it stashed until just the right time. My roommate sewed it into a garter for me to wear. Needless to say, Ryan was flabbergasted when he laid eyes on it! Pardon the show of leg, but…

here’s a better look at the garter…my maid of honor helping me get the garter “into position”.

#4: Mr. and Mrs. Ryan & Becky Roach

My maiden name was Roach. It wasn’t as bad as you’d think. The jokes got old real quick and my reaction would be, “Really? Is that the best you got?” With that said, I was certainly not saddened to gain a new last name.

Contrary to the name typed on our new address labels printed and affixed to the bubbles handed out to our guests as they bid us farewell, my husband did NOT in fact choose to take on my last name. Can you believe that my mom, myself, and my bridesmaids all tied on 210 labels to 210 bottles of bubbles and NONE of us realized the typo on the tag: Mr. and Mrs. Ryan & Becky Roach (instead of Nicholas obviously). What a hilarious discovery as we prepared to say goodbye!

And if I may sneak another “moment” here as I share #4 with you. I always thought it was so sweet to have the “get away” car decorated as the bride and groom left the reception, but not exactly something you request, am I right? That’d be tacky.

So you can imagine my inner excitement as we happened upon the limo:

I BELIEVE it was our best man’s wife that was the devious delight behind this heart warming surprise. Thanks friend!

#3: Best Brother Ever! Swimming, rototilling? He’ll do anything!

To say my mom and I enjoy party planning would be an understatement. We like to go all out. So you can imagine how excited we were to plan my wedding, my mother’s one and only daughter’s WEDDING of all parties! Anyway, we planned a lot of fun details, including floating flower arrangements for the pool on site at the reception.

Well, we didn’t anticipate placing said arrangements into the pool, only to have them all float into one corner of the pool, congregating like girls at a 7th grade school dance. We’re problem solvers. We’ll just attach fishing line with weights underneath so they stay put, so we thought.

Enter amazing brother. Apparently this was MUCH easier said than done. He was out there in his bathing suit swimming down underneath these floral arrangements doing his darndest to get them to stay put. He’d tie weights, they wouldn’t be heavy enough so he’d have to go back and add more. *sigh* What a bro! Anything for his big sis.

Aren’t they lovely though?

We don’t have pictures of the other reason as to why he’s amazing, so I googled the pic above to help provide you with a visual aid. Our reception was at a private residence and, did I mention we had 210 people in attendance?! So we anticipated parking being an issue. We hired a valet service, but still…where to park all the cars. We chatted with all the neighbors to be sure they didn’t mind us taking up the entire street. There was one house that had a large grassy area out in front where probably at least 15 cars could easily park.

Only problem? There was about a 2 foot crevice running along the length of the grassy area. Easy fix with a rototiller, right? And the owners said, Sure! By all means!

2 days before the wedding, my brother and I are out there in 95 degree heat with a rented rototiller for 2 hours working on the crevice! Of course I wore gloves and took off my wedding ring, right? Bwahaha! Blood blister! Oh yeah! It disappeared before wedding day thankfully. =)

Thanks bro! Love you to pieces.

#2: My Dad’s Toast

Yup, I’m daddy’s little girl. So when it came time for his toast, I knew I’d be a basket case. However, his words were priceless.

He had always joked about how he was going to lock me in the attic until I was 30 so I couldn’t date, because obviously no guy was going to be good enough for me. Thankfully he knew better, ‘cuz I would’ve rebelled, royally!

When it came time for me to attend college, wouldn’t you know I chose a hecka expensive private school. My poor parents! But they didn’t bat an eyelash and put me through all 4 years. Here’s what pushed me over the edge in dad’s toast.

He said that when I chose to attend Biola University, he knew that God was going to do something miraculous in my life. He didn’t know what it was going to be, he just knew something amazing would happen during my time at Biola.

“And here you are, Ryan.” were his words. Ryan, my husband, was that amazing thing that would happen at Biola. Don’t get me wrong, many, MANY other amazing things happened, but had I not attended Biola, I guarantee I never would’ve met Ryan. =) Dad’s approval. How amazing to know that your parents see what a perfect fit you are to your spouse! Wow. So blessed.

AND DRUMROLL PLEASE….

MY #1 MOMENT OF MY WEDDING DAY…

#1: Licorice Kiss

Silly, but then our relationship revolves around sarcasm, so it seemed fitting. Once the ceremony was over, we went into a room so the guests could leave and we could take pictures. I tend to be hypoglycemic and needed something to eat!! All my bridesmaids, my mom, etc. had been super careful to make sure I ate plenty that day. So a piece of licorice was presented and the cliché “Lady & the Tramp” moment took place. I loved that I didn’t have to feel guilty or silly about acting on my hopelessly in love feeling. And I was now Mrs. Ryan Nicholas!!

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To recap, and close with thanking some very important folks in making this day AMAZING…

My 10 Favorite Wedding Moments

#10 Dancing

#9 The Food

#8 Grandma in Attendance

#7 Music Memories: Smooth Operator, The Muppets Theme Song & Adam Sandler’s Grow Old With You

#6 My strap popped off!!

#5 The Garter

#4 Mr. and Mrs. Ryan & Becky Roach

#3 Best Brother Ever!

#2 My Dad’s Toast

#1 Licorice Kiss

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My mom and I often discuss how I wouldn’t change anything about my wedding day, even after 10 years! Too many people were involved to thank, but I do need to thank my parents, and Ryan’s parents. Thank you for an AMAZING wedding memory, to this day!

Thank you Mr. and Mrs. Dan & Rondalyn Roach!

& Thank you Mr. and Mrs. Whitney & Sallie Nicholas

Here’s to many years more…stay tuned for the next 10 days for 10 things I’ve learned during my 10 years of marriage. =)